Thank You

I just wanted to thank everyone who has been praying for us. We SO appreciate it, and we know it is those prayers getting us through. We are on the road to recovery. What a blessing to have friends and family like you!

Tissues?

for all you women.... consider the title fair warning.

My head is spinning. My heart is aching. It is 2am, and I cannot sleep. As I think on the building blocks of my life, and what I am learning, I am ALWAYS amazed at God's perfect and infinite wisdom and timing.

Life is not measured so much in what you do, but how much you love.

Confess. You will be healed.

Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.

To have deep and meaningful relationships is to be open.... be real..... be vulnerable.

LOVE....IS....PAIN

As I look on my life, I ponder this. What I "plan" and what I DO NOT plan never seems to matter. For I have no control over my life, the paths it may take, the hurts I endure. The only control I have is how I respond. Will I choose to be bitter, or to be better in spite of lifes difficulties? Granted, both happen. More and more, I want to trust in Him. "His ways are higher than my ways."

I think of people who plan things in life, and for what I see, things go just as they wished. I wonder what that must be like.

Here we go......

The last week in January, Matt and I found out we were expecting another baby. This "proof" came after weeks of me having a "feeling". Many tears were shed, many questions formed, many plans now put up in the air. This was not what we wanted. This was not our timing. Many fears were raised. I made an appointment with the doctor. I had to have a type of ultrasound done to determine how far along I was. As the doctor used his tools, I was able to see my new little baby. What caught my eye..... and my heart.... was the beating heart. Only 6 weeks and a few days. I was given a due date of September 19, 2010. I began to wonder how I could tell Matt. Remember... this was not what we were hoping for. I was struggling with many thoughts and emotions. I know that every life is a gift from God. I know that I cannot give life, but only Him. I know that He makes no mistakes. Nothing is "un-planned" with God. I had these truths in my head, but yet I struggled with the facts. How.... are we going to do this? Days went by, and at the realization of what was taking place, Matt and I began to embrace the idea, and be hopeful for what was in our future. I shared the news with Mya. She was THRILLED! I can't number the amount of times each and every day she would talk and ask about the "growing baby in mommies tummy." She wanted a brother... then a sister.... and then back again. We prayed for this baby at every prayer. That God would keep it growing strong and healthy.

Early on Wednesday, February 10, I had bleeding. Never a good sign when you're pregnant. I made another doctor appointment. They wanted to see me right away. The girls had been sick for the past few days, so I knew they couldn't be dropped off at a friends house. I called Matt. He was going to go with me to the doctor, and help out with the girls. Just a few days ago, on our way home from church, I had this "feeling". My heart was heavy that things were not right. I began thinking... and tears just flooded my eyes. Matt is an encourager, and assured me that things would be okay. Anyway, at the doctor's office, we decided that Matt would stay with Emily in the waiting area, and I would take Mya in with me. We got to see the baby again. Only this time.... no heartbeat. I tried my best to be strong. To not shed tears. To not tell Mya what exactly was happening. My doctor was so sorry. But he was so compassionate too. As the four of us left the office, Matt asked me if what I thought was wrong, was. Let me tell you. To see life.... then to see it gone..... it's a HARD pill to swallow. I began wondering "WHy?!" "Why did I have to be pregnant in the first place? If we weren't ready, but here it is. Then to accept, and get your heart attached, only to have it taken away." Sure. Questions happen. But then I am reminded.... "His ways are higher than mine. He has a hope and a future for me. He wants nothing but the best for my life. Will I trust Him when I don't understand? Will I praise Him..... in the storm?" Yes. I will. He is my strength. My hope. My rock when everything else around me fails. I will not turn from Him, for I know that He holds every tear that I cry in the Precious..... palm of His hand.

Now, to my baby.....

Dear Little One. Though I only knew you for weeks. Though you were no larger than a kidney bean. I loved you with my WHOLE heart. I am sorry that I could not keep you safe. I know you had no pain. I know that you are in the hands of Jesus. Please know that your sister and I will not forget you. That we will shed many tears for the lost hope and dream of holding you. How we wish you could live again. One day, we hope to meet you. Rest, my child. Rest. I will sing you songs in my heart. I love you, little baby.

To all those babies who didn't "make it". To all those mommies who SO wanted them....

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

The Fellowship of the Mat

Soul Purpose day 3

This is going to be another lengthy post. I had to read a chapter from "Everybody's Normal Till You Get To Know Them" by John Ortberg. What he has to say is so good! It is eye opening to me, and really helps me to reflect on where I am. I hope to not "waste" any one's time, but to encourage you as it has me. The following are all excerpts from the chapter.

Without friendships no one would choose to live, even if they had all other good things in life. Aristotle

...stories in the Bible... a paralytic man in the ancient world. There is no way to contribute to society. You are dependent on people dropping cons beside you to live another day. What's he got going for him? He has friends. He has amazing friends. In one sense, this whole story takes place because of his friends. Without his friends he never makes it to Jesus, never gets healed, never get forgiven.

This is a fast-paced world, and it is not a very gracious place for those who can't run as fast as others.

In the face of formidable obstacles- social stigma, inconvenience, financial pressure, a high cost of time and energy- they choose to become friends. (of the paralytic) People rarely drift into deep community. Psychologist Alan McGinnis notes that rule number one for entering into deep friendships sounds deceptively simple: Assign top priority to your relationships. Ironically, we tend to devote massive amounts of time to making money, running errands, and succeeding at our jobs, but we neglect giving our most valuable possession- time- to the experience for which we were created: community.

One of the most counter-cultural statements in Scripture is a description of the early church. In speaking of the people;s oneness of hear and mind, the writer notes, "They met together daily." They worshiped together, ate together, talked together, prayed together- on a daily basis. No wonder they grew so close.

Maybe the biggest single barrier to deep connectedness for most of us is simply the pace of our lives.

The requirement for true intimacy is chunks of unhurried time. If you think you can fit deep community into the cracks of an overloaded schedule- think again. Wise people do not try to microwave friendship, parenting, or marriage. You can't do community in a hurry: You can't listen in a hurry. You can't mourn in a hurry with those who mourn, or rejoice in a hurry with those who rejoice. Many people lack great friends for the simple reason that they have never made pursuing community a high priority. You can't carry somebody's mat in a hurry. And everyone comes with a mat.

It is a very vulnerable thing to have someone carry your mat. When somebody's carrying your mat, they see you in your weakness. There is this gift between these friends: trusting vulnerability and dependable faithfulness.

...this became an opportunity for servanthood and acceptance. Wherever human beings love and accept and serve each other in the face of weakness and need, there is the Fellowship of the Mat.

Everybody has a mat. Let the mat stand as a picture of human brokenness and imperfection. It is what is "not normal" about me. It is the little "as-is" tag that I most desire to hide. But it is only when we allow others to see our mat, when we give and receive help with each other, that healing becomes possible.

Sometimes people spend their whole lives doing "mat management." They pretend they don't have a mat. Their primary goal is to hide their brokenness from others' eyes. You may convince everybody of your strength and competence. But you will not live in community.

Who carries your mat for you sometimes? Who do you show your weakness and struggles to? Who do you ask to pray for you? Who do you let see your brokenness?

Humility and trust are more at the foundation of community than perfection. If you want a deep friendship, you can't always be the strong one. You will sometimes have to let somebody else carry your mat.

There is a world of difference between being friendly to someone because they're useful to you and being someone's friend.

This leads us to what might be called the irony of the mat. Our mats are usually what we are least proud of and most likely to hide. We are often convinced that if other people knew about our mats, they would stay away from us. But in reality it is precisely our mats that form the connecting points for a deeper relationship.

The book goes on to tell a story about a pastor caught in sexual addiction. He joined a group for help, but never shared his story. Until one day.... when a friend found him where he shouldn't have been the night before. The book then says, "Joe could barely choke out the words. As he told his story, he stared at the floor; he could not bring himself to look anyone in the face. "Look up at the group, " Henry told him. "I can't. I'm too ashamed." "Look up at the group. I want you to look into the eyes of the people listening to you . You must do this." Fearfully, this broken man raised his mead. He looked around the circle, and every pair of eyes looking back at him was filled with tears. There was no imputing shame, no condemnation, just compassion. In that moment, a man who had taught on grace for so long finally tasted it, and it broke him. He wept like a child. He began to hear the words that were spoken to another cripples soul so long ago: "Child, your sins are forgiven."

Love One Another

Day 1 & 2 (from Soul Purpose)

"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know you are my disciples, if you love one another." John 13:34-35

One of the biggest misunderstandings we have in the Christian life is in thinking that we can get along with God and not get along with each other. Author Unknown

Jesus, in His life, demonstrated a wide variety of love. At times He was tender, other times radical, others tough. Begin to develop a list of the different stories/incidents where Jesus demonstrated love for others. What do you learn from each of these stories about what it is to love like Jesus?

Disciples are recognized by their love for one another. What an amazing truth! The question is, given our propensity for selfishness and pride, how do we really love one another?

...if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. Love is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.... these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Do you notice the "universals" in that verse? The "love always" and "love never".

Busyness is a great enemy of relationships. We become preoccupied with making a living, doing our work, paying the bills and accomplishing goals as if these tasks are the point of life. They are not. The point of life is learning to Love- God and people. Life minus love equals zero. Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life

Yesterday, I heard a women say something that put into words what I had been feeling, but didn't know how to express. She said something along these lines, "Being on-line is a source of communication, but a false sense of relationship." We can get caught up in the talking and chatting, that we neglect to "feel" and "love" in a REAL way. Blogging can be a blessing and a curse in the same way. There is no way for me to be personal... beyond a point... with each person reading my thoughts. I don't know everyone that reads this. I try my very best to let love reach to each... for it is truly my heart. However, I have also felt the inadequacy of it. It allows people to "look in" without getting "connected". That I don't like. I want to be connected FOR REAL! I see how many deep friendships have been lost for the sake of having time for a massive amount of shallow friends. Sad, really. But.... the hope... the faith.... LOVE can change that! Will you be changed? I'm learning.

Open Hands

To give unselfishly. To serve the least of these. Jesus I'm learning how to live with open hands. All these treasures that I own will never satisfy my soul. Jesus I lay them at your throne with open hands.

I lift my hands open wide let the whole world see how you love, how you died, how you set me free! Free at last, I surrender all I am with open hands, with open hands.

To finally let go of my plans. These earthly kingdoms built of sand. Jesus at your cross I stand with open hands.

You took the nails, You bore the crown, You hung your head, Your love poured out. You took my place, You paid the price so Jesus now I will give my life.

Lift my hands open wide let the whole world see how you love, how you died, how you set me free! Free at last, I surrender all I am with open hands, with open hands.

*Listen to the song if you can. Artist is Matt Papa. Song Title is Open Hands. Playlist didn't have it available. I would have put it on my site.

Guess it's time...

The girls have a great fascination with lady bugs. I am greatful that they are not bothered by them, because we have a TON. Here is Mya holding two that she found on the window.
Mya's class pet, "Ming Ming". She had it from Thursday to Tuesday. She and sis had a lot of fun with their third friend.
Mya LOVES reciting books she knows. Here she is reading a naptime story to Emily inside a tent.
Grandma had a work trip that came into Buffalo early January. We had a super fun time meeting her at her hotel (Mya calls it the "ho-tal-lin"), going to dinner together, and then back to the hotel for a swim. Thanks again for the wonderful evening!
Enjoying a tasty treat from Grandma. Emily was enjoying what she THOUGHT it tasted like.
Emily preferred the soda.

Heading back to get suits on.
One wet, cold baby girl! It IS January in Buffalo. We did have snow falling outside.

And here are my silly kids. They found a clear container they wanted to wear as a hat. Then, someone "bonked it down" and they found the face hilarious. They did that for days! Yikes! Almost three weeks since I've been on blogger! So sorry. Once we got back into schedules and routines from the holidays, time just got away from me when it came to this. Like I have said before. I'll be the first to admit that I can't do it all.

Currently, we are having rain. It has been a bazaar winter! We're not sure when we'll get more snow. It's kinda tough with this weather warming up... into the 50's. It's a tease that Spring is on it's way, but I know that in reality, I can't count on that until April or May. I have spent the last several days going through countless gardening magazines given to me from Sarah. What a wonderful gift! It has hyped me up and given me tons of ideas of what to plan for this coming year. Granted, I don't have a green thumb. I TRY really hard. I hope to acquire a green thumb. My family seems to do great! If my work isn't a total flop, I'll try to keep pictures up to show the progress. We have high hopes for a garden this year. We've been wanting to do one for many years. How nice it would be to eat from the labor of your own hands. Yum!

Okay, now for a few updated pictures. Even when I don't blog, I never put down my camera. We are good friends!

Be Careful What You Wish For

*I have been trying to get this post up since Jan. 3. Blogger has given me great difficulty when it came to uploading pictures. I am going to post these few shots for now, until I can get further with the other photos I have.

In a day or two we went from NO snow to this. Keep in mind, though some may not enjoy the snowfall, it's what made us move to Buffalo. We LOVE IT!

We do have a snow sled. The shovel works too!

Last weekend we went sledding with some friends. I thought that with the weather (to get a full idea, you will have to check back when other pictures are posted) we might be the only one's on the hill. You see the crowds. We're die-hards back here! It was near blizzard conditions. An hour was a lot for the kiddos.

We have come to really appreciate these trucks and drivers. Despite the amount of snowfall and frequency, we are RARELY faced with snow or ice on the roads.

Mya doesn't waste an opportunity to use her princess umbrella.

Well. You know how I was hoping that our snow hill would turn into a snow mountain? Two or three days ago we had rain all night that melted all the previous snow from the last post. I'm telling you! This weather was not being consistent! For the past two days now, we have had non-stop snow. I do mean NON STOP. As of this morning, we've got over a foot of fresh powder. We went sledding for a bit with some friends, but because it was snowing... notice the photos..... we only lasted about an hour with all the little ones. Thank goodness it's only about a 10 minute drive to the hill. It was SO much fun! It finally feels like winter! This is what we were wishing for when Matt was home for that week. Well keep pictures posted as much as possible. ~Jaime