Tissues?

for all you women.... consider the title fair warning.

My head is spinning. My heart is aching. It is 2am, and I cannot sleep. As I think on the building blocks of my life, and what I am learning, I am ALWAYS amazed at God's perfect and infinite wisdom and timing.

Life is not measured so much in what you do, but how much you love.

Confess. You will be healed.

Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.

To have deep and meaningful relationships is to be open.... be real..... be vulnerable.

LOVE....IS....PAIN

As I look on my life, I ponder this. What I "plan" and what I DO NOT plan never seems to matter. For I have no control over my life, the paths it may take, the hurts I endure. The only control I have is how I respond. Will I choose to be bitter, or to be better in spite of lifes difficulties? Granted, both happen. More and more, I want to trust in Him. "His ways are higher than my ways."

I think of people who plan things in life, and for what I see, things go just as they wished. I wonder what that must be like.

Here we go......

The last week in January, Matt and I found out we were expecting another baby. This "proof" came after weeks of me having a "feeling". Many tears were shed, many questions formed, many plans now put up in the air. This was not what we wanted. This was not our timing. Many fears were raised. I made an appointment with the doctor. I had to have a type of ultrasound done to determine how far along I was. As the doctor used his tools, I was able to see my new little baby. What caught my eye..... and my heart.... was the beating heart. Only 6 weeks and a few days. I was given a due date of September 19, 2010. I began to wonder how I could tell Matt. Remember... this was not what we were hoping for. I was struggling with many thoughts and emotions. I know that every life is a gift from God. I know that I cannot give life, but only Him. I know that He makes no mistakes. Nothing is "un-planned" with God. I had these truths in my head, but yet I struggled with the facts. How.... are we going to do this? Days went by, and at the realization of what was taking place, Matt and I began to embrace the idea, and be hopeful for what was in our future. I shared the news with Mya. She was THRILLED! I can't number the amount of times each and every day she would talk and ask about the "growing baby in mommies tummy." She wanted a brother... then a sister.... and then back again. We prayed for this baby at every prayer. That God would keep it growing strong and healthy.

Early on Wednesday, February 10, I had bleeding. Never a good sign when you're pregnant. I made another doctor appointment. They wanted to see me right away. The girls had been sick for the past few days, so I knew they couldn't be dropped off at a friends house. I called Matt. He was going to go with me to the doctor, and help out with the girls. Just a few days ago, on our way home from church, I had this "feeling". My heart was heavy that things were not right. I began thinking... and tears just flooded my eyes. Matt is an encourager, and assured me that things would be okay. Anyway, at the doctor's office, we decided that Matt would stay with Emily in the waiting area, and I would take Mya in with me. We got to see the baby again. Only this time.... no heartbeat. I tried my best to be strong. To not shed tears. To not tell Mya what exactly was happening. My doctor was so sorry. But he was so compassionate too. As the four of us left the office, Matt asked me if what I thought was wrong, was. Let me tell you. To see life.... then to see it gone..... it's a HARD pill to swallow. I began wondering "WHy?!" "Why did I have to be pregnant in the first place? If we weren't ready, but here it is. Then to accept, and get your heart attached, only to have it taken away." Sure. Questions happen. But then I am reminded.... "His ways are higher than mine. He has a hope and a future for me. He wants nothing but the best for my life. Will I trust Him when I don't understand? Will I praise Him..... in the storm?" Yes. I will. He is my strength. My hope. My rock when everything else around me fails. I will not turn from Him, for I know that He holds every tear that I cry in the Precious..... palm of His hand.

Now, to my baby.....

Dear Little One. Though I only knew you for weeks. Though you were no larger than a kidney bean. I loved you with my WHOLE heart. I am sorry that I could not keep you safe. I know you had no pain. I know that you are in the hands of Jesus. Please know that your sister and I will not forget you. That we will shed many tears for the lost hope and dream of holding you. How we wish you could live again. One day, we hope to meet you. Rest, my child. Rest. I will sing you songs in my heart. I love you, little baby.

To all those babies who didn't "make it". To all those mommies who SO wanted them....

My thoughts and prayers are with you.